I am a very bad man

     And this blog will prove it. I received a bill a few weeks back from our insurer, Cigna Global. We pay all our bills on time, but this one took me back a bit. Cigna had overpaid the provider and was asking for a refund from us. I called the number on the bill to ask for some more information and was routed to a call center. "Hello, this is Cigna, how can I help you?" He said this in a signature sing-song Filipino accent and I guessed he was in call center in the Philippines, so I said, "Mabuhay, I just got a bill and want to pay it, but need to know where to send the check." The gentleman asked for my Cigna ID number and Claim Number and amount owed to Cigna and I gave him the information, told him I just needed the address and I'd send the check along quick quick. I probably spent about 20 minutes on the phone with him before he dredged up an address. I wrote a check, put it in the mail and thought that was that. It wasn't.
     I got a second notice for the same bill. I looked through our checking account and saw the check that I had previously sent hadn't cleared. Lost somewhere? Cigna gave me the wrong address? Dunno. That second bill, uncharacteristically, sat around for about a week. I was certain we had the funds in our account to cover it, must have been delayed, so I waited. Until today. Because today, I got the same e-mail from Cigna, for the third time, stating they had overpaid the provider and were requesting a refund from us. So I called. Again.
     I started out by saying enthusiastically, "Hiiii, I just got an e-mail stating you’re still requesting a refund from us, I’ve already sent in a check, but it looks like you didn’t receive it. I’ll cancel that and I'd like to pay now please." This time, it was a U.S. call center, and here's where I'm sure you will all agree, I am a very, very bad man. They asked for my Cigna ID Number and Claim Number and then they asked for the amount owed. I enunciated the next words VERY slowly: THIRTY....SEVEN.... CENTS.

     I asked her if we could pay in cash, because we have the money in our Piggy Bank and I’d put the coins in the mail today, but she said Cigna didn't accept cash. There was a long pause on my part until I sighed deeply and forlornly and I asked her if we could pay the bill by credit card. She said, "Yes, but I have to inform you there will be a 3% transaction fee added to the total amount. I asked, "You’re going to add a 3% transaction fee to the total amount we owe, which is THIRTY...SEVEN...CENTS?" She said, "Yes." I followed up with, "So, with the 37 cents and the 3% transaction fee, what’s the total amount we’ll be responsible for?” I was warming to the task at hand. She said she wasn't trained in credit card transactions and someone would have to give me a call back within 2 business days. I said, "Wait, I think I may be able to puzzle this out - do you round up or down if the 3% transaction fee is a fractional amount?" She again said she wasn't trained in credit card transactions and I said, "So you wouldn't be able to tell me if the total amount owed would be either 38 or 39 cents?" She said, "No, someone will call you back with that information." Then she gave me a reference number. I asked why we would need a reference number, she said, “Just in case you need to call back and ask about this case.” Now my 37 cent bill has a reference number! Seems so much more legit now. I thought about asking her if there was any grace period with job losses, Covid-19 and financial difficulties, but I had enough fun/frustration for the day. You can, however, bet your bottom 37 cents I'll engage in a bit more frivolity when someone calls me within the next 2 business days to collect their overpayment...what do you think the odds are of me asking for a payment plan? Prior to making your bet, please refer to the title of this blog.

Stress

     Stress. Pretty sure we all have a little more stress on our minds (and bodies) than we did way back when we were living in more tranquil times - January of this year, say. Ahhh, those were pleasant memories. We all deal with stress in different ways. Stress cooking and stress eating is pretty common. Hell, Gwyne cooked the other day. I do about 98% of the cooking in the house, so it was an uncommon sight to see her behind the stove. She made one of her childhood favorites, something called nikujaga. I stress ate what she stress cooked. There were some carrots in there, but it was mostly Japanese spiced ground beef and potatoes. She called her daughter who speaks Japanese and asked her what nikujaga meant and she said, “Well, niku is meat and jaga means potatoes.” Doh.
     If you’re not on lockdown now, you probably will be soon unless you are essential (and that varies wildly state by state). That’s going to disrupt everyone’s routine and it’s going to be stressful. I’ve done four separate contracts in Afghanistan, where you are mostly locked down. I’ve been on some big bases and some small FOB’s (Forward Operating Bases). On my second contract there, I was talking to a grizzled old vet who gave me some wise advice when he said, “Man, find yourself a routine.” Most of everyone’s routine there is working. 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. There was plenty of stress to start with there but the regular rocket attacks added to what was already a fairly difficult environment. I managed to settle into a rhythm there, I’d get up early, call Gwyne, go the DFAC (Dining Room Facility), have breakfast then take a 12 - 18 km bike ride, come back and put in my 12 hours.

Tour d’Bagram. Every morning, masked up.

Part of my evening routine was reading the Economist every week, I allocated certain segments for each day, that’s what I’d do at night. The stress was more tolerable (for me) when I was in lockdown and had a routine.
     I certainly did my share of stress eating in Afghanistan. I have a wee bit of a sweet tooth, and on one contract, you could tell what kind of day I was having by what time of day I was hitting the sauce (chocolate stash). If it was around 0830, then Alan was having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. On another contract, everyone in the office knew of my sweet tooth, and in the beginning, I’d casually remark as I rummaged through the candy jar, “Hey, I’m a weak man.” It got to the point where I’d get close to the candy and say, “What am I?” And in Kenyan, Indian, Spanish and Southern U.S. accented English I’d hear back in chorus, “You are a weak man. A very weak man!” Might as well have some fun at work too, even in a stressful environment.
     But this is really different. Most of us are in our own house, hopefully not going out, or if you are, really practicing social distancing. And for those of us who are now on lockdown and have your routine disrupted, try to make a new routine at home. And yes, I know, it’s not easy. Some of us are able to work at home, that’s certainly helpful during the workweek, that occupies a chunk of time. But after work and during the weekend? Figure out what works for you and do it. Wanna stress eat? Go ahead. We can always lose a few pounds later. Some exercise? Go for it. There’s plenty of things you can do, light weights, resistance bands, learn some esoteric yoga exercises. Might help with stress. Reading? You should have plenty of time for it. House projects? There’s always something to do. Binge watch? I couldn’t make it through the first episode of Tiger King, but there’s plenty of other things to watch.
     But I think that now, more than ever, we should all be checking in with family and friends. We’re all in this together. So call them, e-mail, FaceTime, message - whatever. Things will be different when we come out on the other side of this, but for now, take care of your friends of family. That should be part of everyone’s routine now.